How can I develop skills for identifying and evaluating toxicity in my personal relationships?
I want to know how to better evaluate my interpersonal interactions starting with lowering toxic events.
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Answers ( 1 )
You will want to start by developing the skill to identify toxic thoughts, words, and behaviours. This will help you identify what it is that makes your personal relationships toxic.
An excellent way to develop skills in identifying and evaluating toxic behaviour is to read articles like those posted on Psychology Today such as Jeffrey Bernstein's Three Signs That You Are in a Toxic Relationship. He based it on his previous article "9 Toxic Thoughts That Can Destroy Your Relationship." Bernstein makes toxicity out to start with negative expectations in one's own mind with regards to the other person.
Toxic vs Nontoxic Person
I know from personal experience that there are cases in which one has no negative thoughts or expectations of the other person but there is toxicity present all the same. This becomes obvious when the other person expresses negativity regarding one's performance or way of being, all for no reason.
The Toxic Work Supervisor
For example, they might say something along the line of, "You're just like everyone else. They all do it like that no matter how much I tell them not to."
I might respond, "Oh sorry. How do you want me to do it?"
A line that has been used all too often on me was, "Well, not like that!"
That is so unhelpful on so many levels. They have managed to make me feel like nothing, plus they have denigrated all past employees. And I still don't know how to do it. What I do know now is that I am expected to read this person's mind and that if I read incorrectly--which is liable to happen on a very regular basis--I'll get a very negative reaction. I'll wish I had never applied to work there.
Nontoxic Work Supervisor
A nontoxic person will skip the denigrating references and say something like, "Oh no, not like that. Here, let me show you how to do it." I learn how to do it in short order and feel good about myself and my supervisor into the bargain.
Summary
As you may have noticed by now, toxic people tend to denigrate or gossip negatively and judgmentally about anyone and everyone. I have learned to avoid close relationships and friendships with hardcore gossipmongers for that very reason. If they gossip about and put down others in my presence they will also gossip about and put me down behind my back.
Hopefully, this little example along with those articles will help you learn to identify and evaluate toxic behaviour and develop skills in handling such people, which is mostly in avoiding them when at all possible.