How do I relate to an autistic child who is nonverbal?
I have an atisitic stepson who is primarily nonverbal. We are having trouble engaging with each other. I would like to know if there are any resources out there that might help educate me as to the best way to approach him and build a parent-child connection.
Answers ( 1 )
Non-verbal autism is difficult, isn't it? You can't rely on the usual cues, and you cannot know if your son is "into you" at all, so you're left wondering.
Every state has a Department of Developmental Disabilities- although the words may be in different order or Developmental may be missing. And it is that department which provides services to folks like your son: Educational services, day programing, respite care- and, if your state is not backwards (mine is) one-on-one assistance to finding your way through to a strong relationship.
My last employment was as the manager of a day program- an eight hour day of activities, learning opportunities and, well, let's be real, care-giving/respite for parents and family members. My program was geared towards adults- my oldest person was in her seventies, my youngest had just turned nineteen. And I had one who was not autistic, but had cerebral palsy, and was cognitively intact but absolutely non-verbal. It was awful for him. In his thirties when I took over the program, he mostly took himself out into the parking lot and watched the cars go by; he couldn't communicate really with other peers or staff, couldn't draw or paint, or play basketball, or blackjack or- or- or. It SUCKED. But, nothing ventured- I brought him in the first Harry Potter book, and started him reading it. Slow going- he could read, but had never done much of it- page turning wasn't easy. We figured out a system, clumsy, but workable, until I remembered about the Library for the Blind: A reading machine and more books than you can shake a stick at. Free. He went through all the Potter books, branched out into Pratchett's Science of the Discworld, lives of the saints, historical fiction- He stopped just watching cars go by altogether.
Another young man was non-verbal-autistic with cognitive deficits- but he LOVED to play The Whisper Game. We would have nearly two dozen adults in one large room, and as a rule, most of them had some trouble with appropriate social behaviors, so The Whisper Game helped folks settle down some, and pay attention to what was going on- to focus. Basically, a person would start the game by whispering in the next person's ear a phrase, and then that person to the next, and so on and so on. Now this young man LOVED the idea, the sibilant sounds, but he was non-verbal, so could not whisper to anyone else, and his autism made it difficult for him to allow others so close to him that they could actually whisper in his ear. So, I would lead him to his spot (last so he didn't have whisper to someone else) and placed myself just before him. When it was our turn, I would close in on him, and he would-- hard to describe- both lean toward me with his whole body, ear up- but pull his face back and away. Grinning. I would get as close as I could and whisper into his ear as much as possible so he could not just hear it but feel it- that's what he liked- and he would strain both toward me and away from me. It wasn't 'right'; it wasn't 'wrong'; it was amazing.
So, I told you this to demonstrate that, with a disability in play, all bets are off, and you are thinking so far outside the box you may as well use a guitar case. Or a tool chest. Or an airplane hanger. You are going to have to open up your intuition, become a near OCD observer, you will use all of that to not wait for an invitation, but take up something interesting to him just at the edge of his comfort zone for other persons- don't ask, don't even say, "Come and we'll do this", just YOU do it, with every semblance of absorption- at first, he will likely act as if he is ignoring you, but he knows, he is watching. Soon he will openly watch- IF you have done your homework and what you are doing is something he likes- and then, what you do is get the things out, sit near them, but don't engage, just wait. Not impatiently, but with the very same ability to zone out as he has. Just-- wait. Eventually, he will either start in with things himself, or he will try to get you to start in with things so that he can share in the most comfortable way he can- by observing, probably.
You have to allow him to lead at the start, or, at least, think he is leading- when in reality, it is you, helping him get used to you and he doing things at the same time. Not necessarily together, but in the same space.
So, check with your Department of Developmental Disabilities (he should have a Support Coordinator, or Counselor or such with the State- that is the agency and person you want) to discover what is available to him and to you, for fun, check with your State Library system for Books on Tape, and then, take a deep breath, hone up your observational skills, and slowly, slowly, slowly, start doing things near him so he gets used to you and he doing things in the same space.
Good luck- if there is a specific challenge, let me know- I will do my best to help.