My child in adolescence dislike me for nagging, what should I do?
After my child entered junior high school, he changed a lot -- he didn't like to talk to me as much as he used to talk to me.
Whatever I say to my child, he hates me for nagging. If I say more, we will quarrel.
My child is puberty, ignore me, how to do?
Answers ( 3 )
Ohhh, children and adolescence, it's a trial to be sure. Keep in mind that as a child grows more mature, they are developing skills that will be to their advantage when they are adults. But while they are learning and growing, as a parent you still need to guide and direct them. So, that obstinance, that's them flexing their fledgling maturity - although it is immature. They WANT to be independent, they WANT to act on their own. What they don't want is you telling them what to do. But you have to.
Now consider this, they are no longer the babies that you have to guide and control. So, you have to change your behavior a bit as well. You have to see them as a more mature child, and you have to trust them a bit more. Nagging, yes, that's a pain, so why not ease up a bit. You do need to usher in a new way of being. And one thing you can do is tell them you trust them, that you won't "nag," but you will check on them just as a backup. Don't dominate them, they are trying to grow up, and they need to test their wings. But don't let them fly completely unaided. Don't hover, stand back and give them some room. And when you DO need to step in, they may rail against you but just wave your hands at them, tell them you need to be the parent for a while longer.
That's your job, and you will be there at their back for the rest of their lives, but you have to at some point come to terms with them growing up. Trust them and guide them indirectly. Let them know you have their back and will be there if they need you. And if they get completely out of line, well, time to lower the boom, but do so gently, and with love, so they know you'll be there for them.
Well, he's an adolescent, and this is what adolescents do- you didn't think you were going to get off the hook as a parent simply because your child was... yours, so different, did you? Hahaha! It is to laugh.Sorry, but your current problem is nearly universal: Adolescents aren't much fun to parent. Or teach. Or be around at all, really.
I had four children- the first three were sons; adolescence was hellish. They squabbled and fought amongst themselves, then worked together to design some plan to get away with something they knew they should not do..AND they ate every crumb in the house! They became secretive and surly; they complained of "Nothing to dooooooo!" and simutaneously refused offers of things they had- so recently- enjoyed doing! It was enough to make me start counting the days until an 18th birthday.
There are all kinds of books and websites about how to handle an adolescent, but here's the real, deal truth: It does not matter what wondefrful strategy you adopt; it doesn't matter if you have an extravagent plan with rewards and ideas to discuss and events to attend- none of that matters because adolescence is NOT ABOUT YOU. And your adolescent DOES NOT WANT YOU INVOLVED right now. Things are hard enough for him- he doesn't need a fluttery-handed Mom and a pseudo-pal-sy Dad involved; he's got to do this himself.
Which doesn't mean you get to abdicate your role as parent. What it means is you pick your battles.
STOP trying to be involved all the time, stop prying to know all about everything. He is learning to be an adult now, and so he must break away from the childish attachments to parents as the be-all end-all of his world; and you, Mom, have to have faith in what you taught him as a small child to see him through to the other side.
Pick your battles.
Bedtime is not something to fuss over; getting enough sleep to not over-sleep and so be late for school is. Who cares if he stays up till the wee hours playing a video game- did he get up out of bed and get to school on time? Then he got enough sleep for now. In fact, his sleeping patterns should change in adolescence, so be ready for that: For some unknown reason, adolescents need less sleep, and their circadian rhythm shifts to a later in 24 hours sleep/wake time period. I often remarked I knew when my kids had actually become adults by when they shifted back to a normal circadian rhythm of up in the morning, asleep at night. So you don't fuss over when he sleeps, or even if he sleeps; you only fuss over if he is not able to do the activities he must do- such as school.
And, guess what? Going shopping with you isn't something he must do. Nor is some outing he used to enjoy with you 'rents but no longer does. This is all part of breaking away from you and learning to stand on his own. And you can allow it, or not, but trust me when I tell you if you do not allow it, it will be longer, and far, far more difficult.
Set rules- have him be a part of the rules; explain the need for a rule ("I worry if you are out late at night- what rule can we put in place to help me with that?") and then LISTEN to what he says. He's going to stay out late at night- maybe not every time, but the harder you clamp down, the more often he will push back, so make him a part of the deal and he will be more apt to stick to it, himself.
You are the parent, so you have to be the parent; he is the adolescent, and he is going to be the adolescent- it's part of his brain development right now, well-documented, and all your insistence that he be diffferent than he is will be for nothing more than more difficult encounters, fights and stress. Make it easy on yourself: Pick your battles.
Eventually, when he is, oh, 22 or so, he will come back to normalcy, to not acting like a complete and utter idiot. But you gotta get there first, with as few lasting scars as possible.
Good luck. I'd let a snake crawl up my back before I would have a teenager around again.
From the expression "he doesn't like to talk to me like he used to", we can see that before entering middle school, the communication between you and your child was smooth.
After entering middle school, they began to be reluctant to communicate because your child entered "puberty".
Children in adolescence have a strong need to be "different" from their parents.
They want to make their own choices in their own personal affairs.
They hope that "I will grow up quickly and become an independent adult."
But moreover, they are still a child at heart, want to make their parents happy, but also want their parents to be proud of them, but express them more vaguely.
Therefore, in the face of children entering puberty, the task of parents is to establish a warm and supportive relationship, accompany young people through "the trouble period that they want to be different from their elders" and train them to become independent and responsible people.
A warm and supportive relationship means that family members can express and tolerate different opinions. In such a free atmosphere, children also feel able to express their ideas and are willing to ask their parents for advice.
A warm and supportive relationship will help children develop autonomy and predict high self-confidence, learning ability and good self-esteem.
On the contrary, if parents adopt forced and controlled parenting, it will hinder the development of children's autonomy.
Compulsive and controlled parenting styles are associated with low self-esteem, depression and antisocial behavior in adolescents.
Building a warm and supportive relationship is the key to communicating with your child.
How to build it?
Next, I'll give parents a few key steps:
The first step is to adjust your role in the face of a possible sense of loss.
As children enter puberty and their cognitive level and horizons expand, parents begin to de-idealize in their hearts.
Parents are no longer the "omnipotent incarnation"; they see the limitations of parents.
Some middle school students will refute their parents by saying, "Don't ask me for things you can't do by yourself."
As the first step, parents may need to face the "loss of stepping off the altar in their children's hearts."
See the growth of the child, affirm the growth of the child.
The relationship between parents and children should change from "general-soldier management obedience relationship" to "military adviser-general cooperation and collusion relationship".
Parents' actions and words should send a message of "I believe you can do it" to their children.
For example, nowadays, many parents sign up for all kinds of tutoring classes for their children. I once met a middle school parent who did not discuss with his child when choosing extracurricular classes. He decided whether to sign up for the cram school only according to the increase or decrease of his test scores after the tutorial.
If there is an improvement in the performance, it will be retained, and if the score drops or the improvement is not obvious, the course will not be renewed.
Parents and children start a cold war because of the retention of a tutoring class or not.
Children feel that their opinions are not considered and refuse to communicate with their parents.
This parents behavior and decision process in the communication process of 'whether or not to sign up for extracurricular classes sends a message to children that" I don't believe you can make the right choice" which will arouse resistance among teenagers.
How to send the message "I believe you can make the right choice" about signing up for the tutorial class?
Parents can ask their children, "do you think you need extra tutoring classes to help you?"
If necessary, how do you choose from so many training institutions?
Which of these tutoring classes do you think are helpful?
Time is limited; we may have to streamline the current tutorial class arrangement; what do you think? "
All these questions themselves are helping children improve their ability to make decisions.
In the process of communication, you can make a "strengths and weaknesses analysis table" to compare different choices, and parents can share the information you have collected to help their children make decisions.
Besides, it should be noted that children will inevitably encounter setbacks in the practice of being their own generals. Parents must not say, "look, I'll tell you what to do, but you won't listen."
At this time, it is important that the parents of the counselor should help "the child of the general" to review and tell him, "it doesn't matter, let's see how we can do better next."
Please help your child reflect on what points can be iterated in the process, encourage the child to express his or her opinion, help the child improve by asking questions, and then add your advice. The process itself is the "you can do it" message to the child.
The second step is to listen to your child with respect and use "invitation language" to stimulate the child's desire to express.
The core of this step is to understand the meaning behind teenagers' behavior without judgment and curiosity.
There is a good invitation sentence pattern: "you must have your reasons to do it... What is the reason for this? "
There is a subtle assumption behind this problem: to respect everyone (especially impulsive, immature, wayward, occasionally grumpy teenagers).
This question allows you and your child to understand the motivation behind his behavior without having to argue face-to-face.
When you listen with an attitude of curiosity, sincerity and want to know, they will become willing to talk, which makes further dialogue possible.
All of the above actions convey your child, "I would like to know you" message.
For example, many parents are terrified of being "invited" by school teachers, which means that their children may have made mistakes. Some parents will feel angry after communicating with teachers. Hence, they vent their grievances on their children. And give a serious warning to the child.
In fact, parents have a better choice at this time -- to ask their children, "you must have your reasons to do it...
What is the reason for this? "
This can help you interpret the event from multiple perspectives and, more importantly, give the child a signal that "I would like to know you", so that the child is willing to express his or her thoughts.
Perhaps in the process of expression, the child himself is aware of his own contradictions and conflicts, making better preparations for the next step to better face and deal with this event.
The third step is to create opportunities for communication through space and various media.
Many parents must have the experience that doing something together with their children (such as walking, exercising, hiking) in outdoor space can make your conversation more open.
When you two engage in an activity together, you let the conversation happen naturally.
I know a parent who designates every Saturday as "Family Sports Day." Every Saturday, parents and their children go mountain climbing in the suburbs to connect their feelings with each other.
Suppose you don't have time to go out. In that case, you can also use your limited time indoors to create a common activity experience (such as watching a movie, reading a book, or playing a game together to create a collective experience), which leads to a common topic.
Families can have one day or one night every week or every month for family movie day (or night) or family table game day (or night). Each family member takes turns to organize an activity to choose his or her favorite film or board game. Through common entertainment, activities to enhance communication with each other.
Besides, there is an interesting activity that parents can try-- invite their children to write a written instruction manual about themselves according to their own needs. Children can be invited to write down their preferences, taboos, happiness, sadness and anger when getting along with their parents.
This can help parents understand their children better.